You've got to fight, for your right....

There is a battle going on...and I'm not talking about my right to party. I'm talking about the battle for our hearts. I am in one as we speak. God continues to do huge things in and around me and at the same time, I feel that Satan has launched a full-on attack on my heart and mind. The past week or so has been exhausting, not only from the time change (can't believe one hour can make such a difference, seriously), but from a war that is raging inside me - my mind, my heart. I can't sleep. I have little appetite. I get so anxious at times, my body breaks out into a cold sweat. This week my mind has been filled up with my actions from my past. Just being very real here - a sampling of some of the thoughts that have been racing through my head - I have been a terrible disaster of a wife, an awful daughter, an undependable sister, a liar, an unreliable friend, if I would've done this then that wouldn't have happened, woulda shoulda coulda....shut up already!!! I could go on, but you get my meaning here. Very unfortunately, these are all things I cannot change. They have happened already. I cannot take them back. Although I have been forgiven of all of this crap, that knowledge does not take away from the fact that all of these thoughts have led to a hurting heart, feelings of worthlessness, increased guilt and the sad realization that I may be unlovable. This is pitiful at best. This is where the enemy wants to keep me.

So, as I see it, I have three choices: 1 - Continue to allow these thoughts to rule my mind. I think I would end up in the crazy house if I continued down this road; 2 - Put on my best fighting face and with all my might, eyes squinted and teeth grit, with my meanest look and most determined heart, try and fight it on my own; 3 - OR, I can run. I can run my fastest to Jesus, put up my arms, beg Him to pick me up and let me cry for a little while because I do have a broken heart. And then, I can rest in knowing that He's already won this fight I'm in. He's already won. When I say "rest" I'm not talking about sitting back, closing my eyes, and taking a nap in the crook of his arm, all the while sending up a faint cheer of "go Jesus". I'm talking about truly resting in the knowledge that Jesus is FOR ME. He's not going to leave me out here to fend for myself. He has given me His Word. He has given Himself for me. He has given me the gift of an eternal life with Him and that is enough to get this girl through the day today. So, when the battle is occurring at 1:30 in the morning, and I can't get my mind to shut up, I will get on my face and talk to Jesus. I will claim the truth He has given me, replacing lies with truth. He loves me. He has justified me. I have been redeemed and forgiven of ALL my sins. I am COMPLETE in Him. I am His workmanship. He promises not to give me more than I can handle. He has promised not to allow anything to harm me. Just a few truths that come to mind.

This is where I've landed on this today - when my heart is truly filled up with Jesus and my eyes are only on Him, there is no room for eating disorders, lying, worry, affairs, hate, being mean to someone who loves you or whatever else you can come up with. But when I am going deeper in this relationship He's called me to, Satan doesn't love it and he wants to do whatever he can to take my eyes off of Jesus. So, I keep talking to Him and I keep filling my mind with His truth. He's still growing me. I have much to learn still, but this is where I find myself today.

Ephesians 6:12 - For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Colossians 1:13 - For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son.